How Do Smart Women End Up with Abusive Men?

How Do Smart Women End Up with Abusive Men? I was asked this question countless times as my I found myself stuck in an abusive relationship that began to spiral even more out of control. He didn’t seem abusive in the beginning, but the longer we were together, the more his abusive behavior began to seep in. It started off with frigidity and verbal abuse but soon became evident that the man I was dating was very spiteful and would go for the jugular in the most minor of disagreements. Even after all these warning signs, I still didn’t believe anyone when they told me that one day it would escalate to physical violence. I will never forget that day, the day I almost became a statistic— another homicide victim resulting from domestic abuse.

Certain family members would continuously asked me why someone like myself, a person with a seemingly high IQ, would allow themselves to be treated this way? How could a smart person end up in this situation? Every time I was asked this question, I cringed. The inference that I was stupid or ignorant because of my poor relationship choices did not help make my already out-of-control situation any better.

Anyone who is familiar with the dynamics of an abusive relationship knows that falling prey to one has nothing to do with a person’s intelligence or even their socio-economic status; rather their vulnerability.

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Posted in Domestic Violence, relationships, Sexual Assault | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Lonely Vegetarian: A Weekly Comic Strip

The Lonely Vegetarian: A Weekly Comic Strip.

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The Lonely Vegetarian: A Weekly Comic Strip

OK. So tonight my brain is fried from all the writing I’ve been doing this week, so I decided to try something new- a comic strip! I would like to make this a weekly addition to my blog, Hayley’s Comments: Introspection on Healing, Life, and Vegetarianism. I noticed tonight I have barely written anything about vegetarianism in weeks—maybe even months, so I unveil my new comic strip, “The Lonely Vegetarian.”

Posted in Art, Comic Strips, Vegetarianism | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Where the Heart Lies

Where the Heart Lies.

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Where the Heart Lies

I find a lot of times in the Blogosphere people are passing around a lot of Haterade. Though most of the comments left on my articles are positive and encouraging, I do get some nasty ones, every so often. Under my most recent article,  “Confronting My Rapist,”  one person wrote the following:

This is a tremendous step in your life, and I applaud you for it. But lady, your grammar is horrible. Pronoun-an tecedent agreement errors, run-ons. You get paid to write? I wish I could write this poorly and get paid for it.”

There are so many things that are wrong here. First of all, there is the insensitivity factor. I wrote an article about confronting someone who raped me and this person has such little respect for people in general that he feels that a post about confronting my rapist is an appropriate place to air his grievances about my grammar. Obviously, he is trying to knock a survivor of rape, whom he has never met down a few pegs. (In case you were wondering) he didn’t succeed. I actually just rolled my eyes because people have said worse to me and I know that these types of comments are often the nature of the Blogosphere due to the blanket of anonymity one can easily hide behind.

What truly struck me about this was the insult itself. What he said is absolutely correct. I have horrible grammar. I cannot spell to save my life, and to be honest with you, I’m not even sure what an antecedent is. The run-ons, however, I consider my signature. He ends his small rant with, “I wish I could write this poorly and get paid for it.”

I don’t know what this individual does for a living or if he is successful or even happy. I do know that he is missing the point. Before I dropped out of art school, I had the most awful professor you could possibly imagine. He was a graduate student who was just out of college. He was extremely full of himself and a total jerk. One day he instructed our class to go out and “spend our parent’s money” on the most expensive paint brushes we could get our hands on— the ones that cost $18 each.

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Posted in Art, Heart, Life Lessons, Sexual Assault, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

What Happened to Amy Winehouse?

Artist, addict or both? With the untimely death of Amy Winehouse, those familiar with her music (especially her song “Rehab”) find her art to be extremely telling. The song opens with “They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no.” Looking back on her life it is obvious that she didn’t go to rehab and if she did, she still had some issues afterwards.

A person with talent of such a high caliber is undoubtedly aware of their fame and popularity, so why would they lose it all because of drugs and alcohol? Is this type of death sometimes a person’s destiny? Or is that just what some artists tell themselves? Is it possible for a person in her position to pull themselves together and make it to old age ( yes a little less edgy, perhaps a bit burnt, yet sober)? Or would sobriety kill their appeal?

A few of the musicians I’ve known had serious drug or alcohol problems. Though none of them were famous, they felt the pressure to participate in “the lifestyle.” In fact, some of them acted as if drugs and sex was their birthright as a musician (talk about wasting talent out of stupidity). I watched at their lives spiraled out of control, as they messed things up for themselves and others, sometimes intentionally, and then used that as an excuse to feel sorry for themselves and turn back to the bottle. When you see it up close like it’s pathetic.

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Speak Your Truth

My life truly began to change when I started to be completely honest. I started to write about and confront the things that I ignored for years. Publicly I published articles about dealing with sexual assault and healing on the web. The first time my article appeared on online, I felt naked. I started to cry and wondered if I had made a huge mistake. With each consecutive article, I felt equally exposed. This went on for about six months. Each time an article came out, I would cry. My boyfriend at the time asked me why I even bother to do it. He said that maybe I should just stop writing if it was this difficult for me to handle. Though it was difficult, I never considered stopping or quitting. Too many people wrote back to me saying that they felt very alone in their experience before reading my articles. Truth is before reading their comments, I felt very alone in the experience of surviving sexual assault as well.

For years I hid the truth about my life from everyone. I dodged reality and instead hid behind poor relationships, drinking, and substance abuse. No one understood why I was so messed up and always involved in something reckless. The addictions numbed the pain of rape. They also came to the forefront and caused immediate drama and issues that couldn’t be ignored. Perhaps they were the armor I hid the truth behind. With so much negativity going on because of my behavior, I had enough to worry about without delving into and exploring my past. Eventually I found out that you cannot hide the truth from others without also hiding it from yourself.

Denial can kill people. Until I spoke my truth and seeked professional help, the road I went down only got progressively worse. Addictions will kill you eventually. Supressing trauma can cause unhappiness, depression, and serious illnesses.

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Posted in Healing, Life Lessons, Sexual Assault | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments